This morning, I went running with one of my best friends (Elizabeth) and shared the thoughts from the post that I wrote for you last night about intentionality in showing love and carving out time and space for one another. We went on a pretty intense marriage retreat with Elizabeth and her husband Bill last fall so our conversions about trying to keep the connections in our marriages are normal parts of our running dialogue. The woman who led the retreat is named Tina Sellers and she is has a fabulous website about marriage and healthy relationships. Below is a post sharing a letter she wrote to her son who is about to get married. In this letter, she has some sage advice for us all to hear. My prayer for you all is that you will take these things to heart and continue to grow in love for one another in this season of engagement.
"Life and relationships are organic entities – they can be fragile and uncertain – they need intentional care.
Here are the seven things that over a hundred happy couples all had in common. I already see how you practice these things. And probably of all the things I see in you that make me feel like maybe I did a good job as a mom, it is seeing you demonstrate these things to and with your beloved. I am so inspired by you. But life will make these things harder and harder to do. In part because daily life can scream louder as time goes on and the routine of life can eclipse the needs of the relationship and each other. Your love, like a garden, will need seasonal care. If you ignore it, it will eventually let you know. Clean up is always worse and more painful than daily maintenance. Make this a habit and your love will be the inspiration, confidence and security behind all your creative pursuits and life work.
Wisdom from the happiest couples:
1. They believe they are beloved. Happy couples are made up of emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These are people that take good care of themselves and who see themselves as valuable. They understand that how they treat themselves is an extension of how they treat their partner and their relationship. They are intentional in their self-care and self-love. People who see themselves as beloved, know that others are beloved as well and thus know how to forgive and extend grace in conflict. They are self-aware enough to be assertive but emotionally stable enough to consider the opinions and feelings of the other.
2. They are committed. Happy couples know that beyond a shadow of a doubt their partner will stand by their side. They know that when things get really hard, especially hard, the other will be there, fighting alongside them. Fighting for the health of the relationship and fighting for the health of themselves and the other. Inside this firm alliance is the freedom to be exactly who they are – to bring all their vulnerabilities, to take off all masks, to open their hearts and be fully naked. They are safe to be seen, known, loved and accepted.
3. They Trust Each Other. Happy couples have earned each other’s trust through countless interactions. They don’t worry the other person will undermine them or throw them under the bus. They have proven over and over again through their actions, not just their words, that they are their biggest fan and will come to their defense when needed. This trust is built through daily tasks agreed and done, speaking one’s truth and trusting the other to hear that truth, and living out whatever promises honor the fidelity and integrity of the relationship. Trust is built stronger through consistency and reliability. This is what builds the emotional security and ultimately the depth of intimacy experienced.
4. They are Intentional. Happy couples make their relationship a priority through daily loving actions. These are the couples that don’t allow ‘fly-by’ kisses or hugs, but instead will catch each other in the kitchen and hug for three minutes until they finally relax and can feel each-other’s love and beating heart. These are the couples that give at least one juicy 10 second kiss a day (unrelated to sex) and love to embarrass their kids by how they flirt. That leave their kids behind to go away on a date regularly or away for a weekend. These are the couples that say “I love you”. They understand that their romantic connection and the fun that drew them together in the first place, can easily get eclipsed by the demands of life and because of this, they are mindful to keep a pulse on that connection.
5. They Don’t Fight to Win. Happy couples understand that to fight to win or convince each other their opinion is right, is to always hurt the relationship. They realize that their relationship is an entity that can be damaged by how they manage and cope with conflict. These couples neither sweep things under the rug nor fight until there is a bloody victor. Instead they deal with conflict in a way that is mindful of the effect of their dealings on the relationship itself. They are willing at times to forgo their wants for the other to protect the relationship, knowing that when the times come, the other will do the same.
6. They Seek to Understand the Point of View of the Other. Happy couples understand that sometimes in conflict the content that is being argued about is not exactly what is going on underneath. They know how to slow the conversations down and be truly curious seeking to understand what is really going on. They ask real questions to get underneath the complaint. They seek to know when and if they have hurt the other and listen reflecting back their understanding, apologizing for the hurt and reassuring their love. This is all long before explaining the circumstances of the event.
7. They are Kind. Happy couples are kind to each other. They don’t call each other names, they don’t tease in hurtful ways, they don’t criticize each other in front of others and they don’t cast blame. These couples are mindful that words can in fact hurt and affect safety and trust, and thus manage their emotions and work very hard to think before they speak."
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