Jason and I ran together this afternoon and had some time to debrief our time together in Nashville. With so much family stuff going on last week, I felt like I was not very emotionally available since I was so focused on so many other dynamics swirling around. I recognize how important it is in a relationship to take the time to stop and look each other in the eyes every once in a while and to be intentional in creating space for one another. I know all to well the "creeping separateness" that can happen when we don't make this space and time. This phrase "creeping separateness" is from a book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. The book is about the love between Sheldon and his wife Davy. The two of them came up with the concept of “The Shining Barrier”. The idea is that we need to create a wall, a shining barrier, in our relationships that protects the growth of a tree of love. Sheldon and Davy agree that the secret to love is sharing.
"The Shining Barrier – the shield of our love. A walled garden. A fence around a young tree to keep the deer from nibbling it. An fortified place with the walls and watchtowers gleaming white like the cliffs of England. The Shining Barrier – we called it so from the first – protecting the green tree of our love. And yet in another sense, it was our love itself, made strong within, that was the Shining Barrier…
The killer of love is creeping separateness. Inloveness is a gift of the gods, but then it is up to the lovers to cherish or to ruin. Taking love for granted, especially after marriage. Ceasing to do things together. Finding separate interests. ‘We’ turning into ‘I’. Self. Self-regard: what I want to do. Actual selfishness only a hop away. This was the way of creeping separateness. And in the modern world, especially in the cities, everything favoured it. The man going off to his office; the woman staying home with the children – her children – or perhaps having a different job. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure."
I have appreciated this phrase "creeping separateness" through the years. It is all too easy for me and Jason to go about our days without really taking time to connect. The days turn into a week or so and then I feel like I have to reintroduce myself and we have to begin again to reconnect. How easy it is to just be really good partners and roommates and parents together rather than ones who are really taking time to connect and embrace one another. I hate to say it, but we can really go quite some time without this and not really notice because we are so busy. I told Jason this on our run today that I wanted to challenge us both to make sure that we hugged and kissed every day for a month (and hopefully beyond- but I thought I would start with that.) I would be in charge of initiating the kisses and he would be in charge of initiating the hugs. No fly-bys. At least 10 seconds of connection. In front of the kids (to make them squirm a bit!) or when we are alone. I realize this may seem silly that we have to challenge one another about this, but after almost 18 years of marriage, I am here to tell you that these things can be put on the back burner if we are not careful.
I was thinking about this challenge to combat the creeping separateness for us and thought it would certainly apply to you all. Just a commitment to hug one another and kiss one another each day with intentionality and love. I know you all are newly engaged and this may not be an issue, but I have a feeling that this might be a worthy challenge to throw out there because of how exhausting the days are with the anxiety of when you will get the call for the transplant, with the frenzy of still trying to unpack and settle in, and with managing breathing treatments, meal schedules, etc.
Finish reading this post, and go plant a kiss on your sweet fiancé!
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