Monday, March 31, 2014

don't carpe diem




In light of what I sent you yesterday, I wanted to share this article from Glennon Melton that I ran across a few years back to offer another refreshing perspective on time: 

"Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON!CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime."And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.


Abby & Jens- as you trudge through the days of breathing treatments, ER visits, and waiting on news from Pittsburg, may have the grace to "carpe a couple of Kairoses a day."   Much love to you on this Monday... 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Kairos Time and Chronos Time...

"Teach us to make the most of our time that we may grow in wisdom..."  Psalm 90:12 

As I was running today on the Burke Gilman Trail, which is a paved multi-use recreational trail that connects many beautiful parts of the city from Puget Sound east on around Lake Washington, I came upon this scene.  





Doesn't it look like I was transported to another time and place like the Shire in the Hobbit? As I passed by this, I was also listening to a lecture given by a friend of mine (Julie Canlis) about time and about the church calendar. She contrasted chronos to kairos time.   
Here is part of what she said: 

The Greeks had two words for time – chronos time comes from the god Chronos who devours his children. This is linear time, and from this word we get chronology, chronometers, chronicle. It is 7:40pm, I wrote my lecture at 2:17pm on Friday March 21, etc. This is the time that we believe is real, in fact – so real it is like a god to us. We don’t even question it. We also value things according to this time – have I connected with my children? Well, I gave them 23 undivided minutes today. Or worse, when we get behind, we feel devoured by time. (It was quite an insightful myth). It feels like chronos-time has the upper hand, and we, poor mortals, must submit to its judgments of us. Perhaps feeling devoured by it.

But there was another Greek word for time that the church grabbed, and that was called ‘kairos.’  Kairos time does not devour us; it frees us to be present to the real life that we are living right now. Kairos is when Jen Devries’ water breaks, and she wakes Eric in the night and says, ‘it’s time!’ Or it is from the book of Galatians, ‘when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son …’ That is not speaking of the fullness of chronos time. It is kairos: high time. Chronos is about minutes and hours; Kairos is pregnant with importance. Chronos asks (breathlessly) ‘what time is it?’ Kairos asks, ‘what is this time for?’

Here is the primary difference: Chronos time is abstract, totally impersonal, having nothing to do with our ‘real’ life and what is going on. Kairos is concrete, having to do with the people in front of us, the real place that we live, the real neighbours next door, the real God who is constantly making an effort to wake us up. So, in the words of the priest Robert Capon, ‘Kairos, therefore, is the real thing, and chronos is only a kind of game that a relative world is content to play. Kairos is the time of human beings, of events, of history; and kairos, not chronos, is the time I enter when I step out of my doorway at 8:45AM.’[1]

We can step out of our doorway first thing in the morning into chronological time, cursing ourselves for being late, rushing our children into the car, speeding past our neighbours. But for this reason, during Lent, we hang in our kitchen a giant cross in the place where our normally giant clock hangs. The clock is still there, snubbed and pouting, set on a wall which isn’t front and centre. The cross reminds me to try, to try, to step out of my doorway into kairos time: the world of children, of their little anxieties before school, of the neighbour who is stressing over his job. Every day I have the choice when I walk out the door: will I be marching to chronos or kairos time?

Lent can beckon us into kairos time.  I want the kids in Sunday School to grasp that Lent is not even about 40 chronological days. What counts is not how many days it is, but what it is time for. It is about a time to wake up. A time to get ready for something BIG.


[1] Capon, Offering of Uncles, p.49

So, my prayer today is that the next couple of months would beckon you into kairos time. As Julie said above, "What counts is not how many days it is, but what it is time for." May this season in your journey be a time to get ready for something BIG. 
holding out hope for you and with you-- 






Saturday, March 29, 2014

a spring in your step

I read this first thing this morning and it's been on my mind all day: 

Abby Leigh Butler

6:08 AM (11 hours ago)
to me
That rest day is not today. We are in the ER. Jens had Reclast done yesterday to help strengthen his bones. Flu-like symptoms are a side effect. His HR was dangerously high and had trouble breathing- taking deep breaths. Feels achy all over, fevers. HR is still high but not like it was. Poor guy is worn out! 

One thing Jens said to me years ago is that he never gets a day off. It's not like he goes through 6-weeks of treatment regimes. He has to do his breathing treatments everyday. No flexibility on that. 

Looking forward to rest days- but maybe after transplant! We are definitely going on vacation!!



To know that you all don't get any rest days right now is sobering.  Jens, to know that you have lived your whole life without a day off from this is even more sobering. 

I started off for my run today and decided to listen to a playlist I made for when I trained for the Knoxville Marathon two years ago. I remember many a run on Cherokee Boulevard near our house there listening to this same playlist and carrying you both with me in my heart on those runs trying to hone in on what encouragement you might be able to use for the day. 


These songs gave me a spring in my step as I was slogging through a big downpour today.  Some of the songs don't even make sense to me, but I love them because they make me want to run fast.  
So, as I was running in a downpour with good music spurring me on, I was praying for some music to come alongside you today in some way, shape or form... and praying that even in the ER that you would feel a bit of spring in your step. 






Friday, March 28, 2014

rest day

Last night, I knew that today was off from running so I stayed up late reading a fun book. I knew I could sleep in a bit and was so grateful for a little break. I woke up feeling a slight ache in my knee but it was no big deal because I knew I had the day off.  

As I went through my day, I prayed for you two that you would get a rest day every once in a while. You both have so much on your plate now with overloaded to-do lists.   From reading your posts and a few emails, I have had a small glimpse into your overwhelming responsibilities and into the exhaustion that is a daily part of your lives right now. 

Praying for a few moments of real rest for you today... 




Matthew 11:28-30

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Mark 6:31

Jesus said, "Come off by yourselves; let's take a break and get a little rest." For there was constant coming and going. They didn't even have time to eat.

Psalm 23:1-6

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.  You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from.  True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.  Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure  You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.  Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

singing birds

A couple of weeks ago, Elizabeth and I went running and she told me how much she loved the spring mornings when the birds are up early singing to welcome the season. And when I ran with her again this morning, I was reminded to listen to the birds again.  

When she first talked about the birds, I had not tuned into them at all yet, but once she mentioned it, I could not believe how loud they were.  I was amazed too that I had totally missed them and did not even realize that they were there until someone directed my attention to their morning greetings.  

Almost every night, I sing the song to the children from Zephaniah 3:17-19: 
"The Lord our God 
is with you. 
He is mighty to save. 
The Lord will take 
great delight in you. 
He will quiet you with His love. 
He will rejoice over you with singing." 

And that song came to mind as I was listening to the birds again this morning.  There are so many ways God sings over us and we totally miss it because we are focused on other things. We just need someone to direct our attention every now and then to the song that is right there for us to hear if only we will listen and tune in. 

so... today may you take time to listen for the birds, trust that God is rejoicing over you with singing, and know that I am praying for God to open your ears today so that you won't miss the songs all around you that are meant just for you. 



Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Diamond in the Rough


A while back, Jason was running through Ravenna Park near our house on some trails there. As he was running, at one point, he saw something sparkle on the trail.  As he brushed off the dirt on it,  he saw that it was a diamond earring.  For a while, it sat on our kitchen counter and we looked up some ways we could try to figure out if it was real. Honestly, my first thought was that it was a cubic zirconia.  To the naked eye, these two gems can look exactly alike so we did a scratch test (diamonds can scratch glass), we tried to read a newspaper through it (real diamonds refract light so it's impossible to read letters through them while with a cubic zirconia you can make out letters as you look through it), and we tried to breathe on it (diamonds don't retain heat so they'll become almost instantly clear again. Cubic zirconia will stay cloudy.) This little rock that Jason found was passing all of these tests, but I was not convinced. Finally, we took it to a jeweler to get a professional opinion.  Much to my surprise, the jeweler told us that Jason had indeed found a diamond in the rough. Not only was it a real diamond, but it was a 0.75 carrot diamond worth about $2500 (if you were to buy a similar diamond in a jewelry shop now)!!!  We never saw a sign posted that someone had lost an earring so we had no way of knowing who the rightful owner was.  And rather than selling it, we've decided to keep it for one of the kids to have down the road. It's such a cool story that they will have that their dad found this on a run on a trail by their house when they were little. 

I was running on a bridge over this park today where Jason found the diamond and I thought about this story.  I also thought about how it related to your story too. 
There are lots of quotes out there on diamonds, but I like this one in relation to you: 


It is my prayer that under this incredible stress that you are facing that you both would trust that a diamond is under construction.  It is my prayer that God would give you eyes to see the diamonds in the rough along the trail.  It is my prayer that you would be alert to the surprises of God and that you would not miss the sparkle that is right before you. 


I was listening to this song while I was running across the bridge over the park and as I was recounting the diamond story in my mind.  It seems an appropriate note to leave you with today: 

Praise the Lord, O my soul
Oh and all my inmost being
Praise the Lord, O my soul
Don’t forget His love

Who forgives all of your sins
And who heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit
And who crowns you with His love

Who satisfies your desires
Oh with good and lovely things
Who renews your heart
Like a flight on eagles’ wings

Praise the Lord, O my soul
Oh and all my inmost being
Praise the Lord, O my soul
Don’t forget His love
-Ellie Holcomb





Tuesday, March 25, 2014

generosity


I have been listening to the "God and Money" sermons you sent to me a while back. I listened to this last one today during my run and was so grateful for the wisdom offered here.
http://www.midtownfellowship.org/portfolio/god-and-money-part-3/

As Russ was talking about giving, he talked about four marks of giving: (I know you have heard these sermons, but it might be a good reminder of what you heard a while back...)
1) Generous
2) Intentional
3) Cheerful
4) Dependent

Russ focused on the truth that generosity and our giving can be used to change the world.  God can use our lives to be agents of change in this world to push back the darkness.

And as I was thinking about giving, I also thought that this totally related to your story now and your daily living.  In the midst of this roller coaster that you are on, may your lives be marked by generosity, intentionality, cheerfulness, and dependence.  May your story be a part of the bigger Story to push back the darkness....



Monday, March 24, 2014

one step forward, two steps back

My knee has seemed to be getting better and I've felt so encouraged that the exercises seem to be helping in the strength training. But, yesterday afternoon, (not even during the 11mile run in the morning- but well into the afternoon), I felt the familiar ache in my knee and had to get an ice pack out of the freezer.  It's just a reminder to me that sometimes we take a step forward and then realize we have to step back again knowing that we still have a ways to go.  We're not done yet with the work that needs to be done in the healing. 

So, with this ice pack on my knee right now as I am typing, 
I am thinking of you all on those "one step forward, two steps back" kind of days.  
I am praying that you will keep on keeping on 
with hope
with persistence
with tenacity
 and with one foot in front of the other. 



Sunday, March 23, 2014

Enough....

I had a long run today and ran through the UW campus two times by the cherry blossoms because I just cannot get enough of them. The blue sky as the background was spectacular as I was coming back through campus around 9 am this morning heading back home.  

Being surrounded by the abundance of the blossoms,
 the word that kept going through my head was the word
ENOUGH.
May there be enough for you today. 
enough air
enough strength
enough laughter
enough love
enough grace
enough mercy...






Grace upon Grace
Sandra McCracken


In every station, new trials and new troubles
Call for more grace than I can afford

Where can I go but to my dear Savior
For mercy that pours from boundless stores.

CHORUS:
Grace upon grace, every sin repaired
Every void restored, you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you
With grace upon grace.


He made a way for the fallen to rise
Perfect in glory and sacrifice
In sweet communion my need He supplies
He saves and keeps and guards my life

To Thee I run now with great expectation
To honor You with trust like a child
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
and all that You ask Your grace will provide.


Forever Reign (Hillsong) 
 You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I'm running to Your arms,
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough






Saturday, March 22, 2014

new normal...



"Somewhere along the way, we figured out that normal is just a setting on a dryer.
-Anne Lamott

I could not get my mind off this in thinking about you on my run today. 

I tracked down the entire quote which is from a book Anne Lamott wrote about being a new mother. She said, "The stories here are not by or about normal mothers, because we've finally stopped falling for the great palace lie that such a person exists. Somewhere along the way, we figured that normal is a setting on a dryer. That there is only us-- mothers who think and feel and love, who do the best we can, struggling and laughing more than we thought we would, and yelling and learning and regressing and pleading, sometimes crying in frustration, and then, a little later, in gratitude for the blessing of being mothers, as all the while, one day at a time, we watch our children grow." 

Of course, this does not just apply to mothers. It applies to the two of you as you are embarking on this journey together in your engagement, in your time going from Nashville to Pittsburg (and back again several times), in house hunting, in Abby's transition with her second graders, in the many days to be spent in the hospital, in all the navigating of the unknowns that are ahead.... 

In the midst of all of this, I am praying for you all to find a new normal... 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

two are better than one

Abby and Jens- 
Let me introduce you to one of my best friends... 
Her name is Elizabeth, and you need to know her as she will be logging a lot of these miles with me for training. So even if she does not know it yet, she's on the Run4Jens team too. 

Today we both set out on a beautiful afternoon for 8 miles of running with the sun dappling its light on us the whole way.  In this picture below, we had stopped at a market for a pit stop along the way, and I just had to snap this picture in front of the market because the sun was too good to not capture it.  I am sharing it here as it totally shows the joy on my face being outside with this amazing friend of mine today.  After Elizabeth had been up all night last night delivering a baby (she's a family practice doctor), she came home to crash for an hour to sleep and then she texted me to go for a run later this afternoon since we both know that running is the one of the best reset buttons we know. 

Let me tell you another thing about Elizabeth.  She is the type of friend you want with you when you have 26.2 miles ahead of you. She ran the Portland Marathon with me last fall helping me finish strong and helping me to keep a solid pace the whole time. She's a much better runner than I am (she ran in college and she also was sponsored by Brooks for a number of years!) and yet she chose to give me the gift of running alongside me. When I recently relayed the story about Elizabeth running this race with me, the friend with whom I was sharing got teary imagining it. And when I told Elizabeth that this act of sacrifice and friendship brought tears to someone's eyes, she said it was not really a sacrifice at all and that she loved it.  (There really are not many people I know who can say that running 26.2 miles is not a sacrifice.) 

When I run with her, I am a better runner. I always run faster with her, but the catch is that it just seems easier when I am with her to pick up the pace than when I am by myself.  And while I was running today with her, I thought of this verse: 

9Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLT


As I ran, I thought about how this rings true for you that TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE.  
It is so much better to go through something scary and risky when you have a hand to hold. 
It is so much better to run the race when you have someone who can run alongside you to encourage you and pace you and give you reason to carry on. 
It is so much better to have someone to cry with, to laugh with, to share the mystery of life with... 
You both have each other in this. And that is so very very good. TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE. I am giving thanks that God gave you to one another and that you all will be there for each other with the marathon ahead that sometimes may feel too long. 



Wednesday, March 19, 2014

spring hope

I looked at this screenshot you posted on Facebook last night and had such hope... Abby, you wrote: 
"One of the coolest parts of the day... The stats for adult lung transplants at UPMC. It looks like having CF has it's advantage in this category! Go, Jens!" 
 And today as I was running through the University of Washington campus, the famous cherry blossoms were in bloom in the quad. With gray skies, the white blossoms shout out the word HOPE from the trunks all the way to the ends of each branch in full bloom. 


spring beauties 


And this little tree is about 1/2 a mile from our house 
that I distinctly remembered from last year.  
Spring paints pink over the top to shelter these little daffodils each March, 
and this too shouts out HOPE. 

There are signs of hope everywhere and
I am holding out hope for you all as you press through this week... 


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13