I wanted to write to you about something that happened last week. We had my dear friend Jodi and her family over for dinner on Friday night and had a wonderful time. After they left, Dan & Tracey (Jason's sister and husband) called so Jason was on the phone with them while I took care of bedtime. Two of Jodi's kids were spending the night too so there were a few other bodies to corral and get tucked into bed.
After goodnight songs, prayers and blessings, I came down to start the piles of dishes. There were quite a lot of them stacked up as the Haileys are a family of seven. But, I put on some fun music and began the task of getting through them one by one. I thought about this sermon I heard years ago by Tony Evans. He talked about the times when we do work unto the Lord that the Lord will give us our "paycheck". And this paycheck will be so much better than what an employer could give us as the Lord gives us the fruit of His Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. It reminded me that even in the midst of mundane tasks that I could offer it up to God and know that He would be with me in those moments and that I could trust that His gifts would be my "payment". I would not need any thanks from others because it would simply be a small offering unto God.
I really was in this mode for quite a while and was truly in a content spot, but after about half an hour in the kitchen, I heard Jason come downstairs. And then to be honest, I had to admit to myself that it kind of bugged me that he had not come down to help earlier. Now, I could have so easily just asked about his conversation with Dan and Tracey. But instead, the first thing that I asked him was, "Did you spend some time on the computer before you came down?" as I suspected that he was checking some update or an email after his phone call while I was still cleaning up after dinner. On top of this, the last few nights when I had come home from teaching at SPU, I had been welcomed to a pile of dishes in the sink to take care of. I felt justified for the feeling of resentment that just popped into my head.
The thing is that I had a choice here and I chose the resentful (and quite frankly- a passive aggressive) response that made it seem like I was the victim. I could have just asked him when he came down if he would be willing to take a turn and finish up. No big deal and then I could have gone on and taken care of things I needed to do. I could have owned my own stuff here, but I did not and I lost out. I cannot expect him to read my mind. And the ironic thing about it was that I started out with a good frame of mind. I was not frustrated when I was actually doing the chores- but when Jason came into the scene, I lashed out for no good reason.
I know this was not fair and I apologized to Jason later for it and he apologized for his part too. We gave each other a hug that seemed to bring healing and helped us both to move on.
I share this because I imagine that things like this must come up with you two as you are trying to figure out what normal is right now and how to love each other well in this season.
In this situation, I was reminded that I am not the victim. I ALWAYS have a choice in these things. Sometimes I choose the life giving response that brings deeper connection, and sometimes I go down the road that brings more brokenness and separation.
A friend gave me a book this week called the Seven Spiritual Gifts of Waiting and it has some things I can chew on a lot right now. I will write about each one in some blog posts to you later this week. In regard to a situation in which the author found herself in a dark period of her life, she wrote, "Was this an opportunity for me to change something, an opportunity to grow? I thought of Christina Baldwin's great line, 'Life is an unending opportunity to see things differently, to keep reframing disaster and discouragement into faith.' It got me thinking about reframing... In the Beatitudes, Jesus offers the chance to be in the reframing business. Many of the persons described in the Beatitudes says well-known preacher Fred Craddock, 'are victims, to be sure, but the beatitudes deliver them from a victim mentality.' The Beatitudes invite us to see blessedness even in the midst of tumult and suffering. They invite us not to be trapped by circumstances, but to look for the grace, to find the possibilities, to explore edges for growth."
I share this simply from one friend to another who understands that this journey of sharing life together within our relationships is not for the faint of heart. It's hard work to keep choosing each day to connect rather than retreat or pull away.
I'm praying for you two for connectedness and for freedom in your day to day interactions.
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