belated anniversary cheers

I meant to send this on yesterday on January 30th, but the day got away from me....

just know that I am celebrating 5 years with you all!! 

Much love to you two!!!! 

listening in...

My little friend Hannah Langford (2nd grade) read the article about you all that I wrote for the church magazine and said to me yesterday at our small group, "I really want to see the stethoscope!"  We walked down to our house and I showed it to her on my little desk.  I guess it could go in a museum or something because it is a sought after artifact! (but I would not give it up as it really is one of my favorite "medals" ever.) :)

36 questions...

an article to share from the New York Times... Here's a coast to coast challenge...  Ask these questions of each other in the coming days before the wedding... We will try to do the same! :) 

In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0

happy belated 18th....

Oh my- I just realized that the 18th came and went this month... How is that possible that it has been over a month since we walked around Radnor Lake with you all! 

Celebrating another month and another milestone.... Happy 7 months of those new lungs, Jens! 

12 resolutions for the new year for your relationship...

Abby and Jens-- 

As we talk each month about marriage with you all on the phone and begin to crack open the mystery of it all together, I find that I am reminded of how simple it is. We are called to love each other well and to give of ourselves. And yet, sometimes the simplest thing is the hardest thing to do. I am thankful for our conversations that challenge me to remember that a good relationship requires constant nourishing and intentionality. This post that I saw today is a good reminder of some of the simple things we can do in order to cultivate love in our relationships. 

Happy Monday! 

"Relationships and marriages go through many stages, changes and transitions. Similar to planting, watering and caring for seeds, in order for them to blossom into flowers, a marriage calls for constant nurturing and attention.

While our relationships bring us great joy, love and comfort, they also require deliberate effort and energy.

As all couples experience conflict and face the ups and downs that life brings, how you handle challenges, communicate and treat each other are vital components to healthy relationships. How happy and satisfied you feel in your marriage weighs heavily on the ways you interact and grow together on a daily basis, as well as your expectations. Daily interactions filled with contempt, anger, resentment and negativity drain and destroy your relationship, while kindness, gratitude and respect lead you to feeling positively about yourself, your partner and your marriage.

With your partner and utilize a proactive approach for a loving and satisfying relationship.

Here are 12 ways to have a happy marriage in 2015 and beyond:

1. Create your own love rituals. These rituals are ways for you to show and receive love in healthy and happy ways. Rituals can occur daily (leaving your spouse a loving note next the coffee pot or giving a massage), weekly (planning and maintaining a fun date) and yearly (celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays that are meaningful to you).  Love rituals do not have to be expensive or lengthy in time; instead they are special ways to deepen your love and celebrate your marriage through small acts of kindness and love.
2. Be grateful and say thank you. Gratitude is proven to have tremendously positive benefits on the health of your relationship and your own mental and physical health. A grateful mindset aids you in appreciating what you have during the difficult times and helps your relationship rebound more quickly after the inevitable struggles that all couples face.  To access your gratitude for your spouse, think about all of the ways he or she enriches your life and supports you.  Think about memories, experiences and events that you cherish together.   Commit to thinking about the ways you are grateful on a daily basis even if you do not feel especially grateful that day.
3. Spend technology-free, kid-free quality time together.  Find ways to connect through language and touch, share stories about your day, enjoy regular dates and affirm your love.  Snuggle, take a walk, play a game, check out a new or favorite restaurant and make time for each other without the distraction of kids, family, pets, social media and technology.  Commit to being present and attentive to each other.
4. Be spontaneous. It is all too easy to fall into a relationship rut and feel bored or dissatisfied.  Ruts happen when you fall into the same patterns over and over again, but they can easily dissipate if you change up the energy in your marriage, so it is key to be aware of their existence.  Notice when you feel bored, antsy, irritated or drained and choose to do something different.  Try a new activity together, take a vacation, leave resentment behind and focus on what you want in the present.  Don’t engage in the blame game and instead put your energy toward bettering your relationship together now.
5. Understand that conflict is inevitable and you can still have a happy marriage without feeling a constant stream of love and happiness in every moment. This awareness is incredibly freeing and important as many social, entertainment and media outlets overly-romanticize relationships and depict marriage as a happily-ever-after experience with little work.  Remind yourself that it is impossible to feel in-love every second of every day and that conflict will naturally occur.  What is most important is how you handle challenges and join together versus turning outward.
6. Forgive. Despite feelings of sadness, hurt and anger, once conflicts are addressed and handled, it is important to move forward with forgiveness.  Even though you might want to punish your spouse for your pain, make a conscious effort to leave the past behind.  Accept heart-felt apologies and have an open heart that is willing to forgive and heal.  If you feel that an unforgivable act occurred, be honest and open instead of acting out of anger, intentionally inflicting pain on your partner or sabotaging your marriage.
7. Let go of the urge to change your partner and choose acceptance.  It is an unrealistic, impossible expectation to believe that you can change your partner and operating on the belief that you can leads to great suffering and resentment. Instead choose to see the positive in your spouse and accept him or her as a flawed, imperfect human being.  Remember that your spouse is also a human who needs love, reassurance and leeway on mistakes and resist your desire to mold him or her into someone new.
8. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Committing to self-care allows you to experience the healthiest possible relationship and to be truly content with your life. Don’t neglect your own needs, hobbies, goals, dreams and interests for your spouse and find outlets for your own joy and wellbeing.  Some of my favorite self-care outlets include art, exercise, yoga, dance, reading, writing, nature, nutritious food, healthy sleep hygiene, alone time and mindfulness.
9. Have an active sex life. Not only does sex provide connection to your partner, research portrays that sex has a multitude of emotional and physical benefits.  Do away with excuses (“I’m tired, stressed, overwhelmed”) that get in the way of sex and make an effort. Find times that work for you and your partner and communicate about your sexual needs and desires. Also remember that other forms of physical intimacy (other than sex) are significant in a satisfying marriage.
10. Commit to open communication and owning how you feel.  It is important to be accountable, open and honest even when you feel like shutting down, avoiding your spouse or calling it quits.  Communication is key to relationship success and requires a non-judgmental listening ear, eye contact and open body language along with verbal language.  If you feel that it is difficult to listen, focus on what your partner is saying and reflect back what you heard to ensure that no misunderstandings occur.  Validate how your partner feels without arguing, defending or interrupting and take turns sharing thoughts.
11. Say “I love you” often and mean it.  Say it through words and actions without assuming that your spouse knows you love him or her.  Show your love through patience, forgiveness, acceptance, affection and warmth. Show it through flirting, taking out the trash, cooking dinner, saying thank you, cuddling and enjoying your precious time together.
12. Practice kindness and generosity toward your partner. Research illustrates that these two ingredients are two fundamental ingredients in rewarding, loving and lasting romantic relationships. Act kindly and generously by connecting to what is important to your partner (even if it not important to you), being a compassionate supporter and being attentive to his or her needs.  Show interest in your partner’s day, surprise your spouse with gifts or notes and fill your daily interactions with kind, loving energy." 

-Rachel Dack 

more good stuff to share...

another blog post worth passing on..... As I read this, it was so encouraging to me to recognize that the journey you all have walked in the last several years together has created a depth that takes many couples years and years to reach. As CS Lewis says in The Last Battle, "Further up and further in!".... 

The Secret to a Deeper Marriage Relationship

Posted: 08 Jan 2015 04:04 AM PST

Most everyone wants to have a great marriage. And everyone enters in to marriage with the hopes of deep connection.
I’ve yet to encounter someone who entered into marriage with the thought “I can’t wait to be miserable with you in several years.”
Yet, somewhere along the way many marriages experience drift and disconnection. Sort of like roommates doing life together but stuck – due to children, finances, or shared property.
When this happens in your life, it doesn’t mean it is time to pack up and leave. I
t also doesn’t mean there’s anything going wrong.
Hitting rough patches in married life are actually normal in every marriage. And how you approach these times says more about you and your character than the state of the relationship.
It is easy to feel like you’re alone when times like this happen. And the social media world we live in exacerbates this feeling.
I have heard it said that Facebook is a highlight reel of how we want to be seen by others – people post about the fun times, interesting events, and accomplishments. That is the nature of social media – but it is not the nature of deep relationships.
Deep relationships, and great marriages, happen due to the tough times you navigate together.
When life really hits you hard, the process of working through that time molds and shapes you more than almost any other thing could.
Look back at your journey thus far … what are your most impactful moments?
Psychologist Viktor Frankl talks about this with his belief that man is not searching for pleasure as much as he is searching for a deep sense of meaning.

When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure. ~ Viktor Frankl

Too often we look to our marriage to be a source of our pleasure. Let’s face it, there are some fun, pleasurable moments together. But what would happen if we began to view marriage as a source of deep meaning in our life?
To me, this meaning comes from the idea that marriage has a specific design.
At its core … marriage is designed to help us grow up, not provide us a happily ever after.
Happiness is there, but it’s not the ultimate goal.
Viktor Frankl spent most of his life studying the mystery of meaning, and amazingly, he came up with a prescription for how we can experience it ourselves.
His prescription was remarkably simple:

1. Have a project you’re working on that requires your unique skills and abilities. And preferably a project that helps others.
2. Share your experiences within the context of safe, loving relationships.
3. Find a redemptive perspective for your suffering and challenges.

His prescription fits perfectly for married life as well.
Be part of something bigger than yourself and somewhere that your uniqueness is required. Preferably something that helps improve the lives of others.
Share of yourself and your journey with someone else.
Challenge the way you view what is happening to you and begin to see that your marital struggles are part of a process – it is more like personal development bootcamp.
I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone in your struggles.

Growing Up

a post below to share from the Simple Marriage blog... Even 18 1/2 years into this, I still have a lot of growing up to do... :)  From what I read about your trip to TX, sounds like you all are learning to navigate some of this and that you are doing this well... Cheering for you from this coast! 

Growing Up In Marriage

"I have written many times about my belief that marriage is about growing up.

This is the main idea behind Simple Marriage and the only way to experience more in marriage and life.

So what does growing up in marriage actually mean?

Another expression is becoming more emotionally mature.

For this post, growing up is not the physical aging of our lives, which happens naturally. The growth I’m writing about is emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual.

Growing up involves balancing two fundamental life forces: the drive for separateness and the drive for togetherness. Separateness propels us to be on our own, to chart our own course in life, and to create our own identity. Togetherness pushes us to be part of a group, to connect with others, and experience things only relationships can provide.

When these two life forces are expressed in balanced, healthy ways, meaningful relationships are created where both members develop into better people.

Giving up your separateness in order to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship in order to maintain your separateness.

Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship. ~ David Schnarch

Since growing up requires a great deal and can often be confused with other ideas, here’s a few important clarifications:

1. It’s the ability to maintain a solid sense of self when your partner is away or you’re not currently in a primary love relationship.

Growing up values contact but doesn’t fall apart when you’re alone.

2. It doesn’t involve any lack of feelings or emotions.

Growing up means you can evaluate your emotions (and your partner’s) both subjectively and objectively. In other words, you can connect with your partner without fear of being swept up in their emotions. You can have your feelings without them having you because they don’t control or define your sense of self.

3. When people scream “I got to be me!” “I need space!” and “That’s just the way I am!” they are not growing up.

In fact, just the opposite. When you are afraid you’ll disappear in the relationship you do things in order to avoid your partner’s emotional engulfment. This is different than boundary setting, which is an important aspect of growing up. The difference is boundary setting while growing up is done in the context of staying in the relationship (i.e. in close proximity and restricted space). The process of holding onto yourself in the midst of an important relationship is what creates growth.

4. Growing up is solid but permeable.

When you have solid core beliefs and values, you can adapt and change without losing your identity. You can be influenced by others and adjust to new circumstances as the situations warrant. It is important to realize however, this flexible sense of identity develops slowly over time, requires soul-searching deliberation, and is not simply adapting to the wishes of others.

5. Your personal development is not selfish.

You can choose to be guided by your partner’s best interests, even at the price of your own agenda. This is often the price of committed relationships. Your partner is a separate individual – just like you. You can reach a point where what they want for themselves is as important to you as what you want for yourself.

As you reach higher levels of growth, your view of conflict in relationships will dramatically shift. “What I want for myself versus what I want for you” shifts to “What I want for myself versus my wanting for you what you want for yourself.”

When you feel you need to talk your partner out of what he or she wants in order for you to get your way, you lose.

No matter how you slice it – married life presents endless opportunities to grow up.

The choice is yours."