deep thoughts...

Do you remember these from the old Saturday Night Live shows? I remember laughing pretty hard and some of them and then feeling bad that I was laughing... :) 

on a more serious note, here are some deep thoughts on marriage.. :) 

The First Year of Marriage

By Krysta Winters*

Newlyweds experience a bewildering array of emotions during their first few months together. Excitement, happiness, anticipation, urgency, and giddiness are quite common, but just as common are confusion, disappointment and resentment. The new couple faces the challenge of navigating through these times both as individuals, and as part of something greater. Since mapquest.com doesn't have a feature to manage this kind of travel for the time being, more traditional methods need to be explored to make sure the road the newlyweds are on leads in the direction they want towards a stable, long-lasting, loving relationship. This road will contain both obstacles and opportunities, and couples need to be able to manage both.

The expectations that are brought to the relationship represent some of the more common obstacles. No one comes to marriage with a blank slate. Everyone has expectations, whether based on parents' relationships, pop media, or personal dreams of how things could be. If not dealt with, these expectations can create roadblocks; however, if they are acknowledged and explored they can be transformed into meaningful goals.

"Most marriages start off with such a high, positive set point that it's hard for either partner to imagine their relationship derailing." (J. Gottman). When couples decide to get married, they often have such a strong friendship that it is hard to imagine a time that this could ever change. If they do have some awareness that problems could arise in the future, they often imagine that marriage itself will somehow be the glue that will make everything okay, or they may believe that somehow marriage will make the other person become more like them.

Once you have identified some of your expectations, it is important to develop them into mutual goals.

One expectation that can seriously affect a relationship is how much work each person thinks the marriage will take. Whenever one partner has an expectation at the extreme, either that marriage will be no work at all, or that it will require intense Herculean effort, they will most likely be confused and/or disappointed at the result. Marriage is ultimately about how two people come together and how they each bring their own journey to share with the other.

Why should this journey towards togetherness take work? Mike Mason spoke to this issue in the following passage from his book, The Mystery of Marriage:

"A marriage, or a marriage partner, may be compared to a great tree growing right up through the center of one's living room. It is something that is just there, and it is huge, and everything has been built around it, and wherever one happens to be going — to the fridge, to bed, to the bathroom, or out the front door — the tree has to be taken into account. It cannot be gone through; it must respectfully be gone around. It is somehow bigger and stronger than oneself. True, it could be chopped down, but not without tearing the house apart. And certainly it is beautiful, unique, exotic: but also, let's face it, it is at times an enormous inconvenience."

This quote takes into account both the awe and the discomfort that comes from facing something that is larger than oneself. In order to do this, we ultimately have to face growth and ongoing maturity. This growth can be experienced individually as well as collectively, as "two become one." No wonder the journey towards togetherness takes some work.

Once you have identified some of your expectations, it is important to develop them into mutual goals. It is worth the time to ask each other the following question: "How do you want your marriage to be?"

One of the most important keys to success in a marriage, according to John Gottman, is a strong friendship. Having a friendship as the cornerstone of a marriage allows it to endure over time. It is up to each couple how they best experience and create a marital friendship, but the foundation includes confiding in and sharing with each other — the mundane as well as the profound moments of life. The time required to create this friendship can easily become a rare commodity. But for a marriage to succeed, a couple needs to be willing to invest the time necessary to build that connection. 

This brings us to another key requirement: intentionality. By being intentional with time and focus, most interactions throughout the day can be a deliberate means to connect and respect each other. Life is not about sustaining an everlasting honeymoon or vacation, but about discovering in each day the joy life has to offer. Discovering the expectations that each person has can be an important first step in creating a lasting relationship. Sharing these with one another is another step that requires courage and respect. It is from these efforts that newlyweds can develop and nurture mutual, lifelong goals. They can take the bundle of emotions, wonders and conflicts that make up their first months together and create the real, fundamental life together that they've both publicly declared they want. The seed that was planted with their vows can then be cultivated into maturity. In this way, throughout the journey of marriage, obstacles and opportunities can be used to keep couples on the path that they have chosen together.

http://www.centennialcounseling.com/First_Year_Marriage